It's My Body; I'll Exercise It If I Have To
Lately, I have noticed a lot of news regarding all aspects of the body. According to one report I read, this is a multibillion dollar-a-year business. I never knew my body was worth so much money. I’m tempted to sell it, or at least rent it out on a part-time basis. I did not know how big of a deal this was until one night this past week I had a little trouble sleeping. One reason I have trouble falling asleep is my deep fear of falling.
Actually, it’s not the fall that worries me so much as that sudden stop. For some inexplicable reason I always stop three inches past the floor. I would not worry so much about falling asleep if I knew I was going to fall on my pillow instead of the floor. However, I can’t count on anything these days. Not even my fingers.
I once woke up in the middle of the night engaged in a vicious life or death pillow fight. Unfortunately, the pillow won and I cannot find anyone to take my case. I did find one lawyer but he was three-sheets-to-the-wind and my case was no breeze. One fear I have in the middle of the night is falling into the hands of some vicious nightmare because of my horsing around the day before. My wife keeps nagging me about my daytime activities but I have a hard time harnessing these erratic urges. Often when I have trouble going to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep I simply get up quietly so as not to disturb the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and turn on the television. I once disturbed her and when I came to, I vowed never to repeat that offense. You would think with so many channels on television there would be something interesting to watch in the middle of the night. Something that would make the time spent profitably. Unfortunately, the nighttime airwaves are devoted to things holding no interest for anybody still clutching to a slim strand of sanity.
You don’t have to be crazy to watch nighttime TV; it’s just a consequence of watching nighttime TV. What I do not understand is why they run so many infomercials for exercise equipment at two o’clock in the morning. Who in their right mind is up that time of night? I know I’m not. Using my remote, I channel surfed for probably 20 minutes and found nothing but people demonstrating exercise equipment and taunting me that I need to begin an exercise regimen if I’m going to live a healthy life. One man’s healthy life is another man’s pain in the back, the knee and the elbow. After all this exercise, I only end up with a tennis elbow and athletes foot. Not only exercise equipment, but also a good portion of these infomercials touted on the latest fad diet. According to one commercial I can lose all the weight I want to lose in a six-month period for only six easy payments of $99 which they would gladly charge to my credit card account. “Call right now,” they invite through the television screen, “for this special one- time offer.” This “special one-time offer” is conveniently offered every night.
The only weight being lost is from my checking account. If anyone ever had a gander at my checkbook, they would readily see that my goose is cooked. Perhaps I could start a new fad diet: Cooked Goose. I could market myself as the “Cooked Goose Gourmet.” All this hype made me hungry, so I raided the refrigerator and kidnapped a tasty snack and immediately put it out of its misery and into my middle-age spread. I say enough is enough. I am tired of other people telling me how to take care of my body. It takes all the strength and energy I have to drag my body from one place to another, let alone adding exercise to my daily schedule. For a person my age I get plenty of exercise, more than I really need. A typical day for me always includes a rigid exercise regime; jumping to conclusions, running my mouth even when I’m told to be quiet from You Know Who and throwing my weight around every chance I get.
After a full day of this, I am thoroughly exhausted. For my money, it’s my body and I’ll exercise it if I have to, thank you. However, right now, I have more important things to do. Places to go. People do see. Experiences to enjoy. I can’t think of any right now, but anything is better than some artificial exercise program. Who do you think I am? Jack LaLane? With all this emphasis on exercise, I wish some of these people would exercise the right to keep their viewpoint to themselves. In my opinion, the apostle Paul had the right attitude about all of this.